Strange but True

I'm going to start ranting now. I will finally document all the ridiculously absurd request, complaints and true stories I've encountered in my several years in the food business. . Non-fiction tales about ridiculous requests and extremely irrational and idiotic people that I've come across with in my years in the restaurant business.

Tale 1: "Baby Back Ribs"

I was the Executive Chef in an American-themed restaurant in Taguig. One of our specialties was falling-off-the-bones baby back ribs. The recipe I learned and copied from the multinational American-concept restaurant I worked for a few years back.

One day, I was asked by the waiter to leave the kitchen because we had a complaint from a guest. Naturally, as the executive chef, I was obliged to leave my kitchen and see what was wrong. I approached the table and asked politely what was wrong. Two elderly, matronic, full of make-up, bad hair color, looks like the mom of a famous filipino boxer type ladies were staring at me. One of them started to complain.

Elder Matrona: "Hijo, ang panget ng pagkagawa ng ribs, sobrang lambot"

Me: "Ma'am that's the way we like to prepare the ribs...falling-off-the-bone"

Elder Matrona 2: "Hindi dapat ganyan, dapat nakadikit pa sa buto, hindi ganito...(shakes the ribs and the ribs gently slide off the bone"...wala ka na makagat at wala ka na mangatngat sa buto...masarap yung ningangatngat sa buto"

Kasi naman eh, dapat sabihin ng waiter kaagad na poodle na kamukha ni Cruella de Ville ang papakainin ko. Hindi po inihaw na liempo yung inorder niyo. Gaga.

Tale 2: Adidas or Peace Sign

To all readers. I know it's fun to share. Sometimes it's nice to try all the items in the menu. But please, for the love of Christ, never ever split a burger into three. It's impossible. Take a bite. Pass it around. It's that simple. Kawawa naman yung burger kung hihiwain sa 3. Kung peace sign or adidas style!!

Tale 3: High Blood

One busy lunchtime at the Filipino-themed concept restaurant I worked for in a posh mall in Makati.

Same routine. Waiters call for me and says that there is a customer complaint.

Customer 1: "Chef, iluto mo naman ako ng bagoong na walang alat para ibagay ko sa kare-kare, kasi high blood ako"

Eh gago ka naman pala eh, una walang hindi maalat na bagoong at pangalawa kung may high blood ka, huwag kare-kare orderin mo!!

Tale 4: Konti Lang Naman eh.....

One nice singaporean guest requests that he talk to the manager or the person in charge. Since I was the chef I obliged.

Singaporean Guest: "Good evening sir, what would be a nice non-alcoholic cocktail to start my meal?"

Me: "Sir, since I'm the chef, I think the bartender would be a better person to talk to with regards to your request"

I call on the bartender. The Singaporean guest adamantly requests that he shouldn't be served any kind of alcohol. He is extremely allergic to alcohol. The guest, the bartender and I firmly agreed that there shouldn't be any alcohol involved.So, the bartender nods and promises to give him a nice personalized cocktail.

After a few minutes, the bartender comes out with a beautiful cocktail. Nice frothy top. Swirl of color. Complete with an umbrella. Guest is really happy. We are all happy. I return to the kitchen.

After a few minutes.  Frantic waiter comes along, "sir, may problema, yung guest na singaporean namumula at parang di makahinga"

I proceed to the kitchen and see a choking, coughing and panicking Singaporea...in tears screaming. "There is alcohol in the drink...(choke)...(cough)....there is alcohol in my drink!!!!"

We waste no time and have somebody send him to the hospital. I immediately confronted the bartender.

Me: "Ano nangyari? Ano nilagay mo sa cocktail niya?"

Bartender: "Sir? Nilagyan ko ng pineapple juice, orange juice at konting coconut milk."

Me: "Yun lang? Sigurado ka?"

Bartender: "Opo, yun lang at tsaka yung konting creme de menthe liquor pang kulay."

Me: Shouting and enraged. "ANO???! Nilagyan mo ng creme de menthe liquor? Di ba sabi natin walang alcohol"

Bartender: "Sir naman, huwag niyo po ako sigawan, konti lang naman nilagay ko, pang kulay lang!"

Siya pa galit! Bobo, ano bang parte ng bawal ang alcohol ang hindi mo naintindihan!!!



Tale 5: Wrong Side of the Table

Busy afternoon weekend lunch. A big group of 15 requests for a long table. A family and some "mannies" and goons. We arrange three connecting four tops for the long table. Their first order ticket is 15 orders deep. 5 appetizers and 10 entrees. In 20 minutes we were able to serve out all the orders. After an hour and a half. I get another call from the server telling me that a customer was complaining about the steak and he will not pay for it.

Me: "Good afternoon sir, what seems to be the problem, is there anything wrong with the food?"

Customer (mustached, dark and hefty, broken english):  "There is nothing wrongs with the food. Everything is good. But I will not pay por the i-steak."

Me: "What was the problem with the steak sir?"

Customer: "I dont know."

Me: "The doneness? Was it tough?"

Customer: "I dont know"

Me: "You don't know? What do you mean I don't know sir?"

Customer: " I don't know because it was served in the other side op the table and that was por me!!!! The waiter did not fass me the i-steak!The other people prom that side op the table pinished the i-steak!!"

Me: "Did you ask the waiter to pass you the steak?"

Customer: "Is that my problem? The waiter should know to get the i-steak and give me a piece of steak because I'm paying por everything!! I will not pay por dis stupid steak. STUPID WAITER!!"

Mahal ang sweldo ng waiter na psychic!! True story. 'Na mo. Kung sino ka man po kayo.

Tale 5: Another Steak Story

Written in the ticket.

Customer Request
Rib-Eye Steak:  Half-Well Done/Half Rare
Serve whole Do not slice.

Not a typo. The customer who was a dad wanted a prime rib steak that was well done on the left side and rare on the right side for his son. Kahit na si El Bulli at sa French Laundry hindi kaya gawin yun!!

Other restaurant anecdotes:

1. When you split a bowl of soup into three, huwag mag-complain pag konti na lang yung na-serve!!

2. Be honest. If the last order that came in and you feel that you ordered too much. Please don't complain or make false accusations that you want that dish returned because it was not done right or something was wrong with that dish. You ordered it. PAY FOR IT!!

3. If you're running late for a movie. Please don't order a steak well done and expect it to be done in 5 minutes. Order a soup and a salad instead!!

4. There was never or ever will be a binagoongan that has no salt or liempo na no-fat!

5. Don't be insulted if the waiter laughs after you ordered a tokwa't baboy na walang tokwa. Just order TOKWA!!

6. We will gladly prepare out-of-menu orders for you. But don't tell us to prepare a dish ala-(name of restaurant) way. If you want it cooked that way. GO TO THAT RESTAURANT!!

7. Yaya's and help are people too. Share the food that you ordered for yourselves.  Don't order a P1.5k Prime Rib for yourself and a P750 Baby Back rib for your barely-solid-food-fresh-from-gerber-eating-toddler then ask the waiter if they have dish less than P150 for the yaya!!


8. For the parent's and also the yaya's. We all know that kids cannot stay in one place. There are a lot of places in the restaurant where it's safe to let the kids play or walk around. But unfortunately the kitchen exit door where the food comes out is not really a good place to loiter in.  When you see a door that has waiters carrying trays of hot food coming out, it may not be a bad idea to tell little syoti/syobe/bunso to get the fuck out of the way and play somewhere else!!!

9. Is tossing a salad (no sexual innuendos here) really that difficult? Is it? seriously? Do you really have to return and ask the kitchen/waiters to toss that fucking salad?

10. Big glass windows are very nice in a restaurant. It makes the restaurant feel spacious and less enlcosed. Glass windows are the in thing now. So when we clean the shit out of the glass and its almost transparent, its the way it should be. So when your little toddler or your almost legally blind lolo hits his head walking through glass. It's not our fault!!!!

11. When restaurants are busy and successful, they usually have a "wait" list that is on a first come first serve basis.  Don't expect to be put on list first just because you're an actress, a politician, a celebrity and an FHM model. People will be seated ahead of you because they came in FIRST!!Regardless for who they are. Don't create a scene or post a tweet that you'll never come back at a certain restaurant because they didn't give you a table for 15 on a busy friday night!!!!

12. If you are confined in a hospital more so importantly if billeted  in the private suite of the  hospital you have no right to berate and humiliate  the hospital chef  if you find the poached fish fillet bland or "matabang" especially if the doctor has instructed a "no meat, no salt, no sugar, no spicy, no oil" diet for your old sick ass!

13. Lastly, when the table beside you is laughing out loud and having fun. If they are not being mean and rowdy let them be.. Life should have more of gregarious fun and bellyaching laughter.  Having a great time with great food, great friends and family is what life should be all about!! So if you find it too noisy, don't complain and ask the waiter to tell the other table to tone it down. Leave the restaurant and continue living your sorry excuse of a life.

I'm so sorry for you if you find yourself similar to the ones I've written about. Change. If you continue your assholic ways. You might just hear the chef's in the kitchen clearing their throats and make unusual spitting sounds.You might just find your burger, pasta or sandwich's sauce a little peculiar with a different consistency and just really can't put a finger on.



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